I kissed a girl, and I liked it. Because I was dating her.

September 30, 2009

I have a post brewing on how I think Lady Gaga might be a lot cooler than I originally thought she was. (Short version: doesn’t the Paparazzi music video seem like a criticism of the sexualized violence against women?) I thought maybe I was being to harsh on other female pop singers, so I thought I’d give Katy Perry another look.

Darlings, I couldn’t stand it! Here are the lyrics to “I kissed a girl,” with all the lines that are positive about lesbianism in italics, and all the lines that say NO REALLY I’M STRAIGHT, DUDES, THIS IS JUST SO I LOOK HOTTER, NOT A LESBO, I SWEAR… those are in bold.

This was never the way I planned, not my intention
I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion
It’s not what I’m used to, just wanna try you on
I’m curious for you caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don’t even know your name, it doesn’t matter
You’re my experimental game, just human nature
It’s not what good girls do, not how they should behave
My head gets so confused, hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

Us girls we are so magical
Soft skin, red lips, so kissable
Hard to resist, so touchable
Too good to deny it
It ain’t no big deal, it’s innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

So. There are 15 (and a half) lines frantically reaffirming her heterosexuality (seriously, “No, I don’t even know your name, it doesn’t matter/ You’re my experimental game” ?!), 9 that are just the chorus (positive towards the whole kissing-girls thing but really just one line over and over again), and 8 and a half that are saying nice things about ladies. (Plus the two that are “It’s not what good girls do, not how they should behave/ My head gets so confused, hard to obey” — it seems to play into her sexy-naughty schtick but it’s harder to classify.)

15 of 33 lines are about how she’s totally straight– that’s almost half the song. The chorus is exactly half and half. And the few bits that aren’t aggressively straight get immediately negated. I didn’t plan to, I have a boyfriend, I just wanted to try it… It ain’t no big deal, it’s innocent.

Yeah. If that’s what kissing girls is like for you, maybe you’re doing it wrong. Unless, of course, you’re only doing it to titillate.. in which case, the random lingerie pillowfight in the music video makes more sense now. (A video that, by the way, ends with her in bed with a dude, smiling at him!)

I think for songs about bisexuality and explorations thereof, I’m going to stick with Lady Gaga, and Poker Face.

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Fuck you, Katy Perry!

May 7, 2009

So, after seeing Shakesville’s post showcasing a fabulous video set to Lily Allen’s “Fuck You,” I decided I absolutely couldn’t live without owning the song, so I toodled over to iTunes. After I bought the song, the following popped up at the top of my iTunes Store:

fuck-you-katy-perry

Okay, a new feature, wev; it might actually be handy sometimes. I have a surprising fondness for Lady Gaga (on the right there, with the sunglasses), though she’s the polar opposite of Lily Allen in terms of subversiveness (I mean, compare Lily’s song about fame, The Fear, to Lady Gaga’s, Beautiful Dirty Rich. Those links lead to the videos but the titles set up a contrast on their own.) So, a weird choice, but I’m not averse to it… what are the others? I may genuinely like them.

Oh, what’s that?

fuck-you-katy-perry-small

Thanks, Katy Perry! Good to know!

The lyrics of the song, for your enragement, are as follows:

[Verse 1]
I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway 
You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

[CHORUS]
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like…

[Verse 2]
You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you
I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

[CHORUS]
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like…

[BRIDGE]
You walk around like you’re oh so debonair
You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me

[CHORUS]
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
Oh no no no no no no no
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like 
No you don’t even like… PENIS

Indeed. You, dear generic audience member who is therefore male, are gay. You, quote, “don’t even like boys” (or “PENIS”), but you are still gay, because… you enjoy “pretentious” music and/or literature? You are environmentally-friendly? You’re pale? She is seriously saying, in public, that men who “don’t eat meat” are gay?

Oh, but I forgot, she doesn’t mean “gay” like, you know, gay, she just means “gay” like, bad.

You know what, Katy Perry?

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind 
And look a bit harder 
‘Cause we’re so uninspired 
So sick and tired 
Of all the hatred you harbor

So you say it’s not okay to be gay 
Well I think you’re just evil 
You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces 
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
‘Cause we hate what you do 
And we hate your whole crew 
So please don’t stay in touch

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Women’s Music: The Be Good Tanyas

April 13, 2009

In avoidance of my anger towards the Amazon Fail (recent details coming soon not withstanding), I thought I would introduce you to one of my favourites. A Vancouver trio of folk artists, The Be Good Tanyas have so many beautiful songs I wasn’t sure which one I wanted to share, but as soon as I came across this one I thought it best. The Downtown Eastside of Vancouver is widely known for it’s jarring poverty, homelessness, prostitution and drug addiction. Over the years the neighbouring communities have pushed the down-trodden further and further into its belly, leaving it possibly the grimmest part of British Columbia. While the Junkie Song embedded below is not necessarily speaking about the Downtown Eastside (there are no Skytrain stations within the community – ok there’s Main St, but that’s actually just south of the area), the video maker has fittingly included many shots of this part of Vancouver.

What am I supposed to do? 
There are too many of you 
Too many of you… 
Yet sometimes I look you in the eye 
And say that I too am human. 
I could easily be you… 

You know we all hover between apathy and compassion. 
We fill up all our days with so much distraction. 
It makes it easier not to see what we don’t want to
But we all live here
We all live here.
We all live lonely.

From Ken Cox’s biographical blurb on their website:

Some have called these three anachronistic – they dress in outfits that hearken back to the Roaring Twenties; their Chinatown cover is decorated with Tetley Tea graphics from long ago. Perhaps they are neoclassicists; perhaps they are pacifistic postmodernists; perhaps they just love the old songs and love writing and singing new songs that just sound old. It is amazing that a group from Vancouver, British Columbia shows Americans what their own music sounds like. The Be Good Tanyas make modernly nostalgic music; one listen to any of their projects (especially the Stephen Foster song “Oh, Susanna” on Blue Horse) and one is hooked permanently.

If someone’s looking for traditional American sounds that return to the Jimmie Rodgers/Carter Family era, he or she can find those sounds in this trio. If a person longs for sparse instrumentation along with voices that do not bellow or boast, he or she can find musical peace with these three ladies. If a person wants to hear performers who embrace the folk, country, and blues roots of American music with a little touch of the contemporary, then The Be Good Tanyas are voices that come out of the wilderness and onto center stage, performing music that transcends their birthdates and transports their listeners from the past to the present and vice-versa. Sam, Frazey, and Trish are an open-ended musical time capsule in suspended animation – out of the wilderness and into CD speakers and human ears – awaiting a musical feast.

I don’t know what else to add. Oh! I love them :-)

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The “I promise I still blog here!” blogaround

March 14, 2009

I exercised today, and even though it was only ten minutes at a pleasant walking pace, well, I’m totally wiped out. I’m going to be trying to do the same every day– and even work up to more exercise!– but I might be a bit, well, absent.

So to tide you over, some great links from my RSS feed!

Newspapers and Thinkingthe Unthinkable

“It makes increasingly less sense even to talk about a publishing industry, because the core problem publishing solves — the incredible difficulty, complexity, and expense of making something available to the public — has stopped being a problem…Society doesn’t need newspapers. What we need is journalism. For a century, the imperatives to strengthen journalism and to strengthen newspapers have been so tightly wound as to be indistinguishable. That’s been a fine accident to have, but when that accident stops, as it is stopping before our eyes, we’re going to need lots of other ways to strengthen journalism instead.”

—

Women & Work

—

Quick Hit: It’s Almost as if Fat Tastes Good

The panel – which receives funding from the UK’s Margarine and Spreads Association – suggests that consumers use stronger cheese and low-fat polyunsaturated or mono-unsaturated spreads instead of butter.

I’m reading this whole thing like, “Wait, isn’t the jury still out on butter vs. margarine? And hasn’t everybody heard that at this point? Why does this make no mention of that? OH I SEE.”

That little fun fact also makes this beauty make a whole lot more sense:

Nigella Lawson is criticised for using butter instead of margarine in her egg and bacon pie, with a single serving brimming with 36g of fat.

Yes, clearly butter is the culprit responsible for jacking up the saturated fat content of EGG AND BACON PIE. Remember to flavor your bacon pie with a “heart-healthy spread,” folks!

—

Tiger Beatdown: Adventures in Victorian Literature: Kelly Clarkson Version

The song of which I speak, performed by Ms. Clarkson, is entitled “I Do Not Hook Up.” It is a thoughtful examination of sexual politics, and also why boys won’t like you if you consent to have sex with them without extorting some promise of undying love and/or a wedding ring from them first! Let us perform some literary analysis of this groundbreaking piece.

—

The Salad Police

I have a very poignant sociological observation for you all, so get ready:

The sight of a fat woman eating a salad makes people lose their minds, and wallow in self-hatred.

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I can’t quite “Figure You Out”

March 5, 2009

OK, so I was driving home and I had the radio on to some random rock music, which is pretty normal for me. (I’m about 50/50 classic rock/NPR.) A song I’d never heard before comes on. Here are the lyrics, along with my running commentary.

I like your pants around your feet

Woah! Not exactly an auspicious start to the generally-problematic-to-begin-with Love Song!

I like the dirt that’s on your knees

And I like the way you still say please

While you’re looking up at me

Is this a song about pedophilia…?

You’re like my favourite damn disease

And I love the places that we go

And I love the people that you know

And I love the way you can’t say no

OUCH! Maybe it is a song about pedophilia, and it’s supposed to be really creepy and terrible? Because, uh, that line is pretty creepy and terrible!

Too many long lines in a row

I love the powder on your nose

But children don’t generally powder their noses. Nor do women… is this a song about the 1800s…?

Ooooh

And now I know who you are

I don’t!

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

And now I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest

That’s actually a pretty cool personal detail to notice about someone. Maybe this verse will be better. Although for some reason freckles still give me that “childish” vibe…

And I like the way you like me best

And I like the way you’re not impressed,

While you put me to the test

I like the wine stains on your dress

Increasingly I think he’s just creepy by accident. Seriously, you love it when she’s drunk and has spilled wine all over herself? That’s endearing to you? Incapacitation?

And I love the way you pass the check

And I love the good times that you wreck

And I love your lack of self respect

While you’re passed out on the deck

Okay, yeah, apparently incapacitation is endearing to you…

I love my hands around your neck

WHAT. I… but… what?

And now I know who you are

I still really, really don’t. Is the song supposed to be this messeed-up?

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

And now I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

I love your pants around your feet

And I love the dirt that’s on your knees

And I like the way you still say please

While you’re looking up at me

Okay, blah blah blah, heard this already… I guess it could apply to just a creepily subservient, but nevertheless adult, woman…

You’re like my favourite damn disease

And I hate the places that we go

Wait, you hate her now??

And I hate the people that you know

And I hate the way you can’t say no

What?? Do I have to reverse all my opinions of this song’s total creepiness based on the fact that, at the end, he doesn’t like “the way you can’t say no”?

Too many long lines in a row

I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

And now I know who you are

It wasn’t that hard

Just to figure you out

Folks, I really just don’t get it. My current theory is that this song is about a guy who “loved” his totally slutty girlfriend until he remembered that sluts are worthless, and then he hated her. And I guess it’s called “Figured You Out” and that’s the chrous because it’s about him “figuring out” the sluttiness based on, for example, being passed out on the deck.

I have an alternate title to propose: “Abusive Douchebag.”

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Women’s Music: Nedra Johnson Edition

February 23, 2009

I’ve been wanting to share one of my favourite Michfest wimmin musicians with y’all: Nedra Johnson! While I’m not usually very much into this style of music, I find I just love her stuff. She has a number of pieces that I really love, particularly “Ahha (It’s A Good Thing).” Sadly I can’t find any good quality videos on youtube so please go to her site and give her stuff a listen. But, just to peak your interest, here’s a reeeealllly shitty tape of her live (heh). Now GO to her website and listen to a good version! heeh :-D

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Women’s Music: Down the Lees

February 22, 2009

I got the following email a while ago, and accidentally left it withering in my inbox for a month! But now I am sharing it with you:

Hey Eloriane,

I’m a queero from Vancouver, BC that has just released a new album and I thought maybe you would want to listen to some tunes. I have some free mp3’s on my website. Here’s a little synopsis:

DOWN THE LEES

A veteran of the Vancouver music scene, Laura Lee (LL) Schultz gained a plethora of experience playing in bands such as NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, the SKINJOBS, SINGLESEVEN and QUEAZY. Having a career that sparked in the early ‘90s gave LL the opportunity to play with bands such as The Rose Chronicles, Propagandhi, Minus the Bear, Pansy Division and Xui Xui . Being involved with and having 4 full length albums under her belt, LL welcomes the extra notch with Down the Lees’ The Guest Room. The new album was engineered and produced by LL in her home studio, Off White House Studios, in the summer of 2008. Drums and additional bits here and there were recorded by Shawn Penner (Hot Hot Heat, Mother Mother) and boasts performances from members of Portico, Wintermitts and New Years Resolution. Songs roam from full on rock out epics ‘The Lullaby’ to acoustic ditties about love ‘On a Lie’ to poppy regretful friendships in ‘Talk is Not Cheap’.

- On the launch date the track ‘Alone on a Thursday’ was featured as track of the day on CBC Radio 3

- The Guest Room has been added to numerous radio stations across Canada and continues to have regular rotation on CBC 3 Radio 3

- The album can be purchased at many various online retailers, including Chapters and HMV

Here are a couple links for you to grab high res photos, mp3’s and a one sheet….if you want ;)

www.downthelees.com

www.downthelees.com/music.html (mp3 downloads)

www.myspace.com/downthelees

LauraLee

Her music didn’t really inspire any critiques, but Crowfoot and I certainly liked it and we thought a self-proclaimed queero (and a butchy one at that!) deserved a bit of promotion, especially since she’s not likely to be too popular with the big recording studios etc. (boo on them!) Also, one of her songs is called “Jekyl Hearts Hyde,” which is awesome.

So, there you go! Check out her music; you may like it. And LauraLee, we’re wishing you the best of luck.

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“Oasis” music video and conversations about abortion

February 11, 2009

Regarding the “Oasis” controversy (explained in full at Shakesville), I wanted to point out something awesome but off-topic that I’ve noticed about the music video.

Pay attention to the abortion scene–

Isn’t that just a huge crowd of people around her? She’s got the nurses and the doctor, and her friend, and her boyfriend, and in the background the guy who raped her, and all the Christians marching around… they barely fit in one shot together!

I thought it was a really telling representation of the current discourse around abortion, which is to say, a ton of people’s opinions are involved in abortions that have nothing to do with them. Our lovely liberal president says, “historically I have been a strong believer in a woman’s right to choose with her doctor, her pastor and her family” (emphasis mine). People who aren’t (theoretically) pro-choice add a whole host of other decision-makers, including the fetus, God, and the angry protesters themselves. If you tried to put them all in the room when the abortion was taking place, it would be crowded!

So when I saw the video, I thought, “Let the poor woman breathe! It’s her decision– the rest of you are irrelevant!” I’m not sure if the video was trying to make that particular point, but it’s awesome nonetheless.

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Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song”

January 25, 2009

Hey there! So, I am completely in love with this song, and the singer’s persona, so I wanted to write about all the awesome stuff that I’ve picked up by listening to it eighty bajillion times.

Here’s the video, but since I’m only going to be talking about the words, you may want to listen while reading the lyrics rather than while watching it; it’s an interesting piece but I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

And here are the lyrics:

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

You made room for me, but it’s too soon to see
If I’m happy in your hands
I’m unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I’mma need a better reason to write you a love song today
Today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way,
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving
I’mma need a better reason to write you a love song today

Promise me you’ll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
‘Cause I believe there’s a way you can love me because I say

I won’t write you a love song
‘Cause you asked for it
‘Cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
‘Cause you asked for it?
‘Cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
‘Cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that there’s a reason to
Write you a love song today
Today

I absolutely adore the story this tells.

So, first, we have a kinda assy boyfriend:

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that

…

My heavy heart sinks deep down under you
And your twisted words, your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Clearly, their relationship hasn’t been going well. Boyfriend asks her to write a love song about him, or he’ll leave. She tries, but the inspiration isn’t there (blank stares at blank pages). I think it’s partially the process of trying to think of the song that makes her realize that the relationship’s not going well. I kind of like to think that she came up with the peppy tune while she still thought she could write a love song, but as she tried to find words about how happy she was, she realized she wasn’t that happy after all.

However, even though she is quite clear that she won’t write a song she doesn’t mean (which isn’t nice, but does show some kickass artistic integrity!) she’s not initiating a break-up. She even says her goal with the song: “I’m trying to let you hear me as I am… ‘Cause I believe there’s a way you can love me because I say/ I won’t write you a love song/ ‘Cause you asked for it.” This, to me, is the best part: she’s not crazy-inspiration in love with him, but she’s not going to kick him to the curb. If he can find a way to admire her for her integrity, for the strength of her voice, their relationship can still work.

I told this friend that I loved this song, and she said she liked the tune, but thought it was mean to dump a guy just because he wanted a song. The blog that first brought to my attention had that same idea too, that it was a cool song partially because you knew the relationship ended because of it. But that idea bugs me, the idea that obviously he would dump her for this song.

It’s not a nice song, but it is an honest song, and if he really did care about her, the relationship is nowhere near ruined. He just has to say, “Woah, I had no idea you felt like that, but it took serious guts to write that song. Thanks for being so honest. I never meant to try to control you, and I’m sorry.” It’s only over if he says, “Oh, you didn’t write the love song I demanded? Then I’m following up on my threat and leaving!” In which case, it’s not her being mean, it’s totally him.

Actually, even if she didn’t have those few lines in saying “we can still figure this out if you want,” I don’t think I could get behind an argument that she’s somehow being mean. I guess being so public about it is more than most people would do, but it was his idea to put their relationship on the national stage. And if he bullied her enough about it that she felt pressured to actually write a song (rather than dropping it after the first time she didn’t show interest in the idea), my sympathy’s with her. I know that women aren’t supposed to be honest about their menfolk, they’re supposed to be nice, but you should know by now that my response to that kind of thinking is basically “fuck that.”

So to see a song basially saying that exact thing– “I’m not going to write you a love song because you asked for it”– that’s pretty awesome!

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I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray: Tegan and Sara’s “Back in Your Head”

January 9, 2009

I feel a little silly reviewing a song, compared to a movie or TV series; it’s mere minutes of a story, plus the convention of repeating choruses gives me precious few words to work with. But this is a song that I’ve always enjoyed, but which is only starting to make sense to me.

(I still don’t really have an explanation for the video, except that it looks cool and Tegan and Sara are cuties.)

And then, just because I’m sure to be quoting bits of them, the lyrics:

Build a wall of books between us in our bed.
Repeat, repeat, the words that I know we both said.
Relax into the need, we get so comfortable.
Remember when I was so strange and likeable?

I just want back in your head.
I just want back in your head.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.
When I get a little scared,
When I get a little scared,
When I get a little,

When I jerk away from holding hands with you,
I know these habits hurt important parts of you.
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?
Nothing like this person, un-loveable.

I just want back in your head.
I just want back in your head.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.
When I get a little scared,
When I get a little scared,
When I get a little scared,
When I get a little,
Run, run, run, run.
Run, run, run, run.
I just want back in your head.
I just want back in your head.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.

(See what I mean about repeating chorusus?)

Anyway, as much as I liked this song, I just could never figure out the line “I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.” How is that even possible? I’m not hot, but I’m warm? I’m not purple, but I’m violet? But I knew it had to mean something, or else they wouldn’t repeat it eight bajillion times (I counted.)

Especially after I learned that Tegan and Sara were gay (hurray!), I started to “get” it; I think it’s about a relationship that is failing, not necesarily because of problems among the two people, but because of the strain that being out can have on a couple. For support, the lines “When I jerk away from holding hands with you,/ I know these habits hurt important parts of you,” which makes me think of PortlyDyke’s post, Take My Arm, My Love (read it!), especially since it’s “when I get a little scared.”

And finally I came to the thought that that’s what the “straying” is. It’s not actually cheating on your beloved, but it’s the way you suddenly pretend you have no idea who they are when someone comes in the room. It’s the way you reply to “I love you” with “yeah” when you could be overheard. The way all your photos of your beloved disappear into drawers. Maybe it’s the way you turn down a good date because it would be in too public a place. It’s not unfaithful, technically, but it’s still a betrayal of the relationship. One’s partner matters, as a person, and that should be apparent in one’s life, not in a “it is the right thing to do” kind of way, but by definition. Someone who matters has a visible impact. If one is not allowed to be true…what about the other?

But at the same time, everyone gets scared. And I certainly find that as a woman and as a lesbian, my fight-or-flight response has been trained into a flight-dear-god-flight response. Run, run, run, run. So…I’ll start going into closet-mode almost against my will, when something penetrates my dangerously-thick safety bubble. I’ve done the “best friend” thing, the “not here, people are looking.” All the little ways of pulling away that are so painful. It hasn’t really happened for years, not since I turned 18 and became a lot more independent of my parents, but the instinct is still there.

I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.

When I get a little scared.

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